Trade in Blame for Happiness

My mother never stopped my brother from sexually abusing me. She knew because I tried to tell her on several occasions, but it was easier to ignore the abuse and pretend it didn’t happen.

My brother’s repulsive actions spawned diverse fears, catastrophic thinking, steady confusion, social ineptitude, and a host of other devastating effects that made my life tortuous.

I developed horrific learned behaviors, and the assaults on my self-esteem left me vulnerable to predators in relationships, at school, on the job—anywhere and any time.

Yes, the long-term effects of abuse are unfair and uncomfortable and painful and often feel inescapable. Yes, all the atrocities done to a person are terrible, and it’s awful to discover that people one expects to be supportive don’t help. Anger and grief are justified.

However…

As an adult, I discovered I had a choice—continue blaming others for my failures, pitfalls, fears, and mistakes—be it the abuser, my parents (normally the #1 choice for survivors), a teacher, sibling or anyone else—OR I can accept that no matter to what degree I was wronged, I’m now the adult in charge of my life, of making decisions and owning up to any mistakes I make. With that acceptance comes accountability—accepting the blame if something goes wrong and my decision ends up not serving me.

Everyone, abused or not, has to be responsible for their own actions. Every adult person makes their own decisions, must forgive themselves for what goes wrong, celebrate what goes right, and not make anyone else responsible.

Coping methods help abused children survive daily life. But as an adult, those methods no longer serve a person because the learned behavior was rooted in desperate survival on a shaky foundation of dysfunction. Once a person takes charge of their life, they take responsibility for what happens from that moment forward. When we learn to break old behavior patterns based on the past, we create new and beneficial ways to handle any situation that arises.

You no longer have to allow other people or circumstances to control you. You can move past fear and choose to fully embrace change, creating something extraordinary! Once you stop blaming and become proactive, you are in control of your life and happiness will always follow.