Finding Motivation

Recently, I wrote to a friend about not having the motivation to exercise. Getting out of bed and running to the gym or Pilates seems like a hardship, although I know of all the benefits exercise offers my physical and emotional health.

I wish I had the same motivation for exercise as I do for gardening.

It seems like once I discover the secret to self-motivation, I’ll be able to convince myself to put on my exercise clothes right after waking up in the morning.

I wish I had the same motivation for exercise as I do for gardening. I have cold-hardy tulips and daffodils coming up, there are plants reblooming in the garage until it’s safe to put them out after the first frost, and I have lots of seedlings popping up in their containers on the window sill. As silly as it sounds, I feel like a new mom—not the responsibility kind, but the kind that takes pride in knowing what she did had an effect on her offspring.

The biggest difference is that unlike with my real children, I have full control over the growth of these ‘babies.’ If they grow through fruition, I am responsible. If they die early on because I didn’t give them the proper care, I am responsible. It’s like my books—if they get written and sell, that’s on me. If not, that’s on me, too.

I’ve recognized that control has always been an issue affecting all aspects of my life, having sprung from a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. Thank goodness for my writing which helps keeps me balanced, acting as my own self-medicating shrink. And it’s cheaper, too. (Not that I don’t recommend a counselor if needed.)

The funny thing is, I felt embarrassed for sharing this information with my writing friend. I didn’t want her to think of me as a mental case or to see me in any way as someone who was “less than.” I suppose I could have just used the e-mail material and not send it to her, but I’d rather be honest with someone than let them know me as someone I am not. Despite my doubts, I sent the message.

Just after e-mailing her, I booked a Pilates session.

An Interview with My Daughter on Sexual Abuse Within Our Family

I was honored to be interviewed by my daughter, Marisa Ynez, on her podcast, Messages From Yoni. Her work is designed to lead women to self-actualization through the feminine body. Some of her discussions and coaching programs include healing trauma, creating positive relationships, healthy sexuality, intentional parenting, ending dysfunctional ancestral patterns, and developing intuition to understand masculine and feminine polarity.

In this deeply intimate interview, we candidly discuss sexual abuse within our family, how our relationship as mother/daughter was affected, and how we were both determined to end the generational abuse pattern.

In the first two interviews, Marisa discusses the abuse (by an adult neighbor and her grandfather) with her father, and the second two interviews are with me.

Please listen to these important discussions. If the link isn’t working, please paste in the following web address:  https://directory.libsyn.com/shows/view/id/2555d8ff-f9bf-4ce3-9c0c-9ed817b9df7d.

You can e-mail Marisa Ynez for more information on her services at messagesfromyoni@gmail.com.

ANGER & THE SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR

While unhealed abuse victims often find themselves keeping silent or saying what they think others want to hear, eventually something uncomfortable can set them off. Long held bitterness and resentments due to past trauma—unresolved feelings, inexplicable emotions, and troubling memories—build under pressure.

Before I started to heal from abuse, I held my trauma so far below the surface, I didn’t know it existed. Something inside wanted verbal expression, but I couldn’t define what it was, let alone what I felt. Each time I was triggered by a bad experience—another person or a stressful event—I added to the already tightly covered container of intense feelings on the verge of exploding, and the tension started to seep out.

I brought the bulging vessel into my marriage, tainting it with insecurity and unhappiness from my past that stayed with me like a toxic friend who I didn’t know how to confront. I lived in a chaotic emotional jumble. Miserable, I thought I put up a good front, though I blamed my husband as the cause of all my problems and those in our relationship.

Later, my children often took the brunt of my frustration and hostile feelings. Sometimes, I unnecessarily lashed out, exaggerating the most minor offenses, and felt guilty later for disciplining my kids with excessive punishment.

Unhealed abuse victims fall prey to anger when overwhelmed with feelings stemming from the past

Another time I argued with my husband about the lack of money. I resented him highly for wanting me to work. After all, my mom drilled into me to get married and find a husband to take care of me. I did that, but it wasn’t working. Instead of either of us compromising and finding solutions, I raged at my husband because he refused to see my side of things. Brought to the brink of hysterics, I slammed my fists a few times on the dining table and screeched something, not considering any potential damage to my hands and wrists. With that action, I helped to bring on early arthritis and exacerbated carpel tunnel syndrome from a previous car accident. And it did nothing to help the resolve the problem.

Ironically, the very thing I needed to learn—how to use my voice—I discouraged in my children because they were afraid to approach me, not knowing if I’d be receptive or verbally explosive.

Anger quickly grew into the most common form of expression for everything else I felt. It acted as a protective barrier when I was inundated with painful feelings like humiliation, embarrassment, frustration, anxiety, or shame. My temper showed up as swearing, finger pointing, shouting, name calling, invading physical space, slamming doors, or driving aggressively.

Sadly, it took years to discover that my anger was directed toward everyone except those who abused me—my brother, abusive ex-boyfriends, and bullies in the school and workplace. In fear of retribution, I wouldn’t direct angry feelings toward anyone who reminded me of my abusers.

Unhealed abuse victims fall prey to anger when overwhelmed with feelings stemming from the past—powerlessness and frustration, facing uncontrollable circumstances, feeling unvalidated, or recognizing the acceptance of low expectations. Nerves are struck when feeling criticized, unloved, unwanted just as in childhood. Victims can be quick to anger when recalling how much trauma was endured through unfair and painful treatment and threats. Not feeling valued or being allowed a voice can make one feel as if still living an abusive past.

All these are normal reactions for a victim of abuse, because as children, most victims weren’t taught how to manage feelings and never learned any type of effective communication within a dysfunctional family. Feelings are generally spewed onto the closest family or friends. Anger can be directed at oneself, too, in harmful or suicidal behavior. Angry reactions can be far more intense than the situation warrants when one isn’t aware of the underlying cause of abuse.

Triggers causing anger usually indicate that something hit a nerve, a truth in dire need of exploration, but then ego can create denial to protect us and keep us from facing reality of the present or past. We’d rather blame people or situations for our unhappy lives rather than admitting we are flawed.

Anger is a helpful gauge telling us when something needs to be changed in order to experience happier choices and a peaceful state of being. If an abuse survivor can determine and honestly examine what is really at the heart of their anger, repercussions can be diminished, and one may find the situation doesn’t warrant the amount of anger expressed. The more we confront what makes us uncomfortable, the closer we are to understanding what we need to change about ourselves and our circumstances, moving toward a more satisfying way to live.

Stepping Off the Denial Platform

Rarely, do we step out of denial in an explosive, insightful moment. Most of the time, it moves like an old locomotive–a horribly long and painfully slow process chugging out fog that keeps us from seeing the truth of our situation, relationship, or work environment. Each train car is filled with the reasons we want to stay on such a destructive ride—the inability to accept the reality of our lives and the severity of our problems. Maybe we are afraid to endure the consequences of our actions because we think we’ll feel too embarrassed and humiliated in front of others.

Early steam-engine trains powered by coal took a lot of energy to run. It was hard work shoveling black ore in high temperatures and then building up speed. It wasn’t always a ride on smooth rails, and like a positive belief system, it needed to have constant fuel to run efficiently. It’s easy to get derailed and have to restart in the denial caboose, where it sometimes feels safer not to see things we don’t like or don’t recognize. It seems safer to know what will happen when we’re isolated rather than run into anything new and unexpected outside the caboose, situations that might hurt our feelings or make us feel unsafe.

Believe it or not, but this train has a benefit or two. It’s unhealthy to stay in denial, but for brief periods it gives us a chance to absorb the shock of a terrible experience or horrible news. This keeps us from psychologically breaking apart. Especially where traumatic events are concerned, most people need time to process a situation and accept any challenges that may arise as a result. It does no good to freak out if someone we love unexpectedly faces death. Denial helps us cope until we find a meaningful response to that stress. As we allow ourselves to accept the possibility of a career on the verge of collapse, we have time to figure out how to proactively deal with the forthcoming outcome in a rational manner.

Coming out of long-term denial feels like red flags going off in our minds, only those flags have a red circle and a slash going through them and are not the kind that truly protect us. These types of red flags prevent us from knowing a better way of being, a better way of life. Our ego supplies the red flags that warn us of the dangers of stepping out of denial. Vulnerability—having to emotionally feel what makes us uncomfortable—is the primary reason we like to stay with what we know, even if it’s unhealthy and doesn’t serve us.

Leaving an old relationship may raise the most questions and fears: I don’t want to be alone. I can’t afford to live on my own, and I won’t be able to take care of myself or my needs. No one else will want me because I’m too ugly, old, fat, or stupid. Healing from an addition—a physical denial that prevents us from interacting with reality—can cause angst because numbing and protective barriers are torn down, and we feel put in a place of separation, loneliness, hopelessness, emotional hurts, or maybe we have to come face-to-face with the truth of who we really are and don’t anticipate liking our reflection.

Sometimes we need help to get rolling in the right direction, like opening up to a support group, friend or a therapist who can put us at ease. If we’re mature enough on our own to take an honest look at our fears, we have a good chance of taking the first steps off the denial train. Consider the consequences (both real and imagined) of not taking any action and express those fears and any uncomfortable emotions. Journal about your old beliefs and dysfunctional behaviors to help put an end to them. Seeing it in writing makes things clearer.

Once the downsides of stepping out of reality are confronted, then the rewards start flowing in. Synchronistic events conspire to bring us the joy or the success we have been holding back on while denial let us think our life was okay. We move beyond a mediocre experience and can fully embrace the kind of relationships, careers, and health that bring fulfillment.

As we allow ourselves to see and accept our innate beauty and powerful nature, and as we are willing to make use of our natural skills and talents, we unleash a world of confidence that shuts down the denial station. Doors open wide to honest communication with ourselves and others. Our creative expression is set free, and all we have to do is open our arms that were once tied behind us. We have a free ticket to set goals on track toward a meaningful life, fulfilling our dreams and making healthy choices. Then we’ll be out of denial and enjoying the ride to joyful well-being. All aboard!

How to Step Out of Denial

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Appreciation – Whining = Satisfaction

I had been whining to friends after my husband had major surgery, putting him out of commission for several weeks. I inherited all his tasks inside and out of the home. Maintaining the house, running errands and attending appointments easily fills a day, and inundated by the multitude of chores—taking out the trash, walking the dog, filling up the gas tank, and opening the freezer drawer because it was too difficult for my husband to manage in his fragile condition—nearly sent me over the edge.

It didn’t take long to grow overwhelmed with double the responsibility. Thinking I directed my prayers at my husband’s healing, Spirit wisely blessed me with the ability to see my whining for what it is—a lack of appreciation for the many things my spouse does for us. For me.

The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do the work. It was an issue with roots planted in childhood. Survivors of abuse can fall prey to either not thinking enough of themselves or embracing the opposite, consumed only with thoughts of themselves. A significant reason exists for this. As children or teens, no one took care of us or came to our rescue. We had to put ourselves first or else we’d lose important opportunities to create a more desirable life, and we had to discover self-identity and self-awareness. Those who didn’t remained victims.

We were often subjected to an every-man-for-himself mentality, be it emotionally, physically, and/or psychologically. Abuse took so many precious things from us. Love or acceptance or approval were scarce and gained at a terrible cost. In the past, addressing our well-being was called survival, but then we grew into adulthood and had to adapt our behavior. We had to learn to accept what happened in our youth, then move forward by adopting right action to raise our self-esteem and have a happier life and positive outlook. But some of us didn’t do that, and the “it’s all about me” mentality stuck after it no longer served us. Our desire to be taken care of morphed into selfishness.

Selfness is when we take care of ourselves while maintaining a giving attitude, because the act of helping others makes us better people. This doesn’t include enabling or giving to the point of self-deprivation. Giving and taking works when both are balanced, and it’s important to take time out to care for ourselves while caring for others. Just as important is helping others with a positive mindset. It’s not healthy to give out of obligation when it’s accompanied by resentment. Sometimes a simple change in perspective can clear negative feelings.

Most adults come to recognize that we live in a give and take world, but not in the bad way it was in childhood. When my husband was in recovery, I had to appreciate my whining for what it was—a message reminding me that sometimes I have to put others before me. I shifted my perspective, and reminded myself it’s only temporary, and my husband didn’t need me every moment of the day. For everything he has done for me, the hardship of taking care of him turned into a different way of spending my time during the day. And when it got to be too much, I had the option of asking for help from friends or family or hiring out for professional services.

As a survivor, the next time you whine because you have to help take care of someone else, remember that you probably would have loved to have been taken care of as a child. In the future, someone might be needed to take care of you, and they’ll do so with more joy in their heart if yours is filled with gratitude.

If someone—an abusive parent, sibling, or spouse—has hurt you, you are not obliged to care for them. But if you are called to help another person knowing it’s the right thing to do, let yourself enjoy the satisfaction of being in service to others. Future rewards are often granted from acts of kindness, yet that’s not why we give of ourselves. We deserve to be a better person and to know the joy that genuine appreciation brings.

Trade in Blame for Happiness

My mother never stopped my brother from sexually abusing me. She knew because I tried to tell her on several occasions, but it was easier to ignore the abuse and pretend it didn’t happen.

My brother’s repulsive actions spawned diverse fears, catastrophic thinking, steady confusion, social ineptitude, and a host of other devastating effects that made my life tortuous.

I developed horrific learned behaviors, and the assaults on my self-esteem left me vulnerable to predators in relationships, at school, on the job—anywhere and any time.

Yes, the long-term effects of abuse are unfair and uncomfortable and painful and often feel inescapable. Yes, all the atrocities done to a person are terrible, and it’s awful to discover that people one expects to be supportive don’t help. Anger and grief are justified.

However…

As an adult, I discovered I had a choice—continue blaming others for my failures, pitfalls, fears, and mistakes—be it the abuser, my parents (normally the #1 choice for survivors), a teacher, sibling or anyone else—OR I can accept that no matter to what degree I was wronged, I’m now the adult in charge of my life, of making decisions and owning up to any mistakes I make. With that acceptance comes accountability—accepting the blame if something goes wrong and my decision ends up not serving me.

Everyone, abused or not, has to be responsible for their own actions. Every adult person makes their own decisions, must forgive themselves for what goes wrong, celebrate what goes right, and not make anyone else responsible.

Coping methods help abused children survive daily life. But as an adult, those methods no longer serve a person because the learned behavior was rooted in desperate survival on a shaky foundation of dysfunction. Once a person takes charge of their life, they take responsibility for what happens from that moment forward. When we learn to break old behavior patterns based on the past, we create new and beneficial ways to handle any situation that arises.

You no longer have to allow other people or circumstances to control you. You can move past fear and choose to fully embrace change, creating something extraordinary! Once you stop blaming and become proactive, you are in control of your life and happiness will always follow.

Silence Isn’t Always Golden

Recently, in an e-mail exchange with Patricia J. Grace, author of Shattered, a riveting account of childhood sexual abuse, we discovered a terrible occurrence (maybe common to abuse victims) in writing our memoirs.

Both of us were asked by our mothers not to write about our personal experiences of sexual abuse. My mother knew I wouldn’t relent and asked me not to write about it until she passed away. By asking us not to share our truth, our mothers acted out of ego and dysfunction, not out of unconditional love.

We have to tell our stories, as they inspire others who may need permission to use their voice and speak up. After abuse workshops I gave and after presenting chapters of my memoirs to writing groups, women approached me and shared their stories, saying they never told anyone that before.

I am not immune to occasional bouts of depression and despair, but after years of working on the healing process, they occur less frequently and don’t last long. Understanding generational abuse, ignorance in parenting, and the psychological effects of abuse have allowed for growth and forgiveness–for myself and for those who didn’t protect me during my insufferable childhood years. (Still working on forgiving abusers.)

A former instructor once told me we all need to tell our stories, because no matter how many books are out there on abuse, my words might resonate to one person who might not have received the message any other way.

Once my non-fiction book is published, I hope to make my website, Healing Through Awareness and Self-Expression, https://htase.squarespace.com, more interactive to give people a chance to air their stories and/or feelings associated with abuse.

Speak up. Use your voice. Get past fears so you can achieve your goals and realize your dreams. You will be more at peace, release stress, and more fully enjoy your life.

Writing About Sexual Abuse

I found excuses not to write a memoir about sexual abuse. Doing life coaching work for survivors wasn’t the same as immersing myself in my own story. And it seemed like there were so many books already out there written on the topic—memoirs and self-helps—who’d want to read mine? And then the “Me, too” movement came out, and I didn’t want to sound like I was jumping on a band wagon.

Abuse is generational. It was one of my older brothers who abused me, then I fell into abusive relationships in my teens and young adulthood. The brother who sexually abused me said he was victimized by our grandmother, my father’s mother. My father’s godmother, his mother’s best friend, abused him. My mother and at least three of her four sisters were violated by one of their brothers.

My mom had asked me not to write my book until she was dead because she was filled with too much shame at not having protected her daughters from abuse. She also said she was scared that my story would force her to confront her own abuse issues. Most of my siblings also asked me not to write the book or at least to keep their names out of its pages. No one wants others to see their dirty laundry, especially if they have no control when it’s hung out to dry.

This year I am making more of an effort to commit my story to paper. I don’t know what I’ve been afraid of…not being taken seriously, not trusting my memory, creating an even bigger disconnect from my family, or maybe learning that I haven’t healed as much as I’d like to think. In any case, I’ve made the decision to move forward, and my hands aren’t even shaking. It’s time. This blog will be a stepping-stone as I gauge what needs to be shared and the direction I’d like my work to take.

I want to tell my story in hopes of enlightening others so that abuse is no longer a generational problem. My work is also intended to encourage others to recognize the effects of sexual abuse in their lives and step forward to end the cycle.

So now there’s nowhere for me to go but forward.

Acting on the Voice Within

Today I cashed out some lottery scratchers and put about $87 in my purse. My throat was parched, and I drove up the street to a fastfood place for bottled water. Instead of sitting at the red light, I turned right so I could take a back entrance to the restaurant.

I saw a man farther up the road, standing beside a walker and begging as cars exited a parking lot across the street from him. Large and dirty, he stepped toward the passing cars, arms stretched outward, but no one stopped. Honestly, having a big, unkempt man approaching my car would have made me feel apprehensive, too.

I turned left, only yards away from the man and drove through the fastfood place for water. While waiting in line, I was overcome with a strong feeling to go back and give the man some money. Maybe two or three dollars, but a number 20 popped into my head.

Your intuition–the quiet voice within–is never wrong.

That seemed like a lot to give to someone who might drink it or buy drugs, yet I knew it wasn’t my place to judge the man. I bought the water and pulled over, praying, “Lord, how much—” and before I finished my prayer, a 20 popped into my mind’s eye again.

“Darn it!” I said out loud, not having intended to share my lottery winnings.

The man was still there. I drove past and did a U-turn to get to his side of the road and lowered the front passenger window. “How are you?”

His big smile showed through his tangled hair and matted beard. I thought he’d tell me what a rough day he had or maybe thank me for the money. “I’m fine.” His unexpected answer flowed in a deep and pleasant tone.

I handed him the folded bill, and he turned it over to see the denomination. His comment surprised me. “Are you sure you want to give me this much?” He gave me a chance to give him less, maybe thinking I’d give him a few dollars, as I had originally intended.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I said.

“My name is Sketchy the Clown,” he said. “I’ve been a clown for 30 years. I want to show you a trick.” He slid the money into his pocket. I grabbed my purse, and my movements weren’t lost on him.

He patted the air. “Don’t worry. I’ve done this for years, and I’ve never gotten hurt.”

Sketchy pulled a 6” nail from his sleeve, and my foot hovered over the pedal, a split second from being floored. A sensation of safety came over me. The situation inexplicably felt okay.

He smiled again. “Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt. And I’m the only clown with cerebal palsy who does this.” That easily explained the walker behind him.

The man leaned his head back and slid the nail into his nose and pulled it back out! Stunned, I said nothing but gasped, and my hand flew over my heart. Then he pointed at the two carabiners in his ears. “I can pick up people with my ears, too.”

I couldn’t imagine anyone doing such a thing, let alone sticking a nail up their nose. I asked him to be careful and thanked him for the entertainment.

He said, “No, thank you, for letting me perform.” Another smile brightened his eyes.

I was grateful I listened to my inner voice, whether called to give him money or just to provide an audience for his unusual talent. I drove away, relieved, but more so, I was blessed with a huge sense of satisfaction.

Listen to your gut feelings. Your intuition–the quiet voice within–is never wrong. You can misinterpret it, but practice listening and acting on it. Soon you’ll build up the rewards that come with honoring your inner guidance and enjoy many peaceful, happy moments.

Worth the Effort to Leave Toxicity Behind

Moving beyond fear is easier said than done, but it is a necessity for anyone who wants to experience a satisfying life. Fear can prevent us from taking a single first step toward a worthy goal.

I know of a young lady who is a couple of months shy of her eighteenth birthday. She wants to go to college out of state. Her family is against it because they’re accustomed to the girl taking care of an elderly family member and doing most of the housework. They won’t let her get her driver’s license and her father, who promised to send her to college all throughout high school, has suddenly changed his tune. He and his mother are alcoholics, and she rules the roost with an iron fist.

The girl is ready to give up her dream because of all the obstacles in the way and feels she has no choice but to remain a modern-day Cinderella, taking care of her elderly relative and cleaning house.

Every person is entitled to live their dreams. No one should be coerced into doing anything that doesn’t resonate with who they are.

If fear wasn’t blocking her path, she could do several things to change the course of her life. Instead of letting circumstances control her, she can find what she is capable of controlling. She could contact friends and family to see if she can live with them after she becomes of age and ask their help in teaching her how to drive. Petsitting, housesitting, and babysitting are jobs not requiring too much experience.

Although she didn’t want to be a free housekeeper or caregiver at home, these are tasks which can be traded for room and board until something else comes along that pays more or until she discovers her true passion in life. She can find work and start to save for a used car. With the slightest amount of entrepreneurial skill and ingenuity, she could start a small online business. Applying for financial aid may not have been the way she expected to attend college, but she wouldn’t be the first person who did.

The point is, with brainstorming, there could be many ways to achieve a dream. That may include asking for help or going it alone and establishing a realistic time frame to achieve goals or putting in extra effort than originally planned. Is independence and happiness worth it? Absolutely!

Adulting is a great challenge without preparation. It’s scary to be on your own and without family, but it’s miserable to be stuck in a toxic and unkind environment. Moving beyond fear requires courage and possible sacrifice, but a person has to decide what their priorities are worth.